having money and spending it might just be the best thing ever. i've spent over 70€ tonight on dumb stuff (bought some clothes and jewelry on the internet and changed my lj username which is more expensive than anything ever) and it feels sooo good. also i'm drinking licorice tea (which is surprisingly yummy??) and eating expensive chocolates that my mom bought on sale and for once i feel pretty good about life.
all in all it's been a good day, aside from the fact that my sis & i went to see cosmopolis and it was the most boring film i've seen in a long time (we both fell asleep at the theater which is a first for me). mom is heading to berlin tomorrow so it'll be nice to have the house for myself for a while.
- i'm feeling:peaceful
- i'm listening to:beyoncé - start over
What's going on in my life atm:
1. I recently quit my job and am looking for another one. Too bad no one wants to hire me.
2. Ugh I've been rewatching FMA: Brotherhood after the longest time and I can't deal with how much I love this series.
3. I've been weeping over the fact that I stopped drawing years ago. It'd be nice to be good at it but I'm not up for practicing when I couldn't fulfill my impossibly high standards, anyway.
4. I'm getting sooo fed up with my friend'sTeen Wolf stanning. No offense to fans but omg my dashboard is full of it and it's driving me insane. Not to mention that she rarely tags that shit and reblogs these stupid overanalysing posts that I've always made fun of.
5. My (other) friend's moving to NY for a year starting next month and I feel weird. Because she's pretty much the only one who stans the same stuff I do and who has seen all the terrible fanfics I've written over the years and who I can talk to about writing and fandoms and stuff.
6. I'm so close to finishing one of my long-term projects and it makes me feel all warm inside because shit, it's been so long since I've successfully written anything longer than a one-shot.
7. I decided to stop buying stuff from H&M for now because my closet is full of their stuff. On most days I'll be wearing their clothes from top to bottom and idk other people don't probably even notice but it bugs me for some reason.
- Tags:life, ugh
- i'm feeling:uncomfortable
- i'm listening to:oh land - wolf & i
Nyt on sitten vihdoin yo-juhlat juhlittu. Kaikki sujui aika lailla suunnitelmien mukaan, en onneks kaatunut juhlassa ja irtoripset pysyi uskollisesti paikallaan. Ruoka oli hyvää ja vierailla ainakin päällisin puolin näytti olevan kivaa, rahaakin irtos yllättävän paljon ottaen huomioon, että porukkaa ei ollut mitenkään kolossaalisen paljon ja esim. äidiltä en saanut yhtikäs mitään. Hm.
Ilta menikin sit vähän eri lailla kun alun perin piti. Tarkoituksena oli lähteä kaupunkiin bilettämään, mutta toisin kävi. Kaverin ja siskon kanssa kumottiin loput kuoharit ja juteltiin niitä näitä, ja ihan yhtäkkiä huomasinkin olevani kännissä. Jonkun kuningasidea oli lähteä lähipubiin lasilliselle, jossa sisko tilas siiderin ja joi siitä ehkä yhden kymmenyksen. Sit käytiin makkaraperunoilla ja käveltiin kotiin, jotta juteltiin kaverin kanssa kerrostalon aulassa lähemmäs tunti, kunnes menin kotiin. Sen verran humalassa olin vielä tässä vaiheessa, etten uskaltanut nukahtaa heti, vaan luin eka Game of Thronesia. Jäi aika lailla kaivelemaan viime kerta kun sammuin ja oksensin nukkuessani sänkyyn.
Tänään olo on ollut suoraan sanottuna paska, kuten krapulassa kuuluukin. Oksentamisen onnistuin välttämään, mutta on närästänyt pitkin päivää ja tuntuu, että maha on ihan sekasin. Syke huitelee jossain taivaissa, mutta vastaavasti verenpaine on ollut pohjalukemissa. Toivottavasti huomenna olis jo inhimillisempi olo. En oo edes käynyt koko päivänä ulkona, kattonut vaan GoT:n kakkostuotantokautta ja nukkunut.
Aika outo ajatus, että mulla ei ole kirjaimellisesti ollut koskaan näin paljon rahaa. Ongelma onkin sitten, mihin ne tuhlaan. Tarttisin kyl kipeästi uuden läppärin, mutta toisaalta olis ihanaa lähteä johonkin ulkomaille. Sisko ehti maalailla jo haavekuvia valkoisista hiekkarannoista ja turkoosista vedestä, mutta mua hotsittais enemmän lähteä jonnekin kaupunkilomalle. Ei mihinkään kliseekohteeseen niinko joku Teneriffa tai Pariisi tai Kanariansaaret, vaan jonnekin missä on mukavaa mutta mikä ei ole ihan hirvee turistirysä.
Ei tunnu yhtään siltä, että kesäloma - tai ylipäätään kesä - olis alkanut. Ulkona on kokoajan pilvistä, sataa ja yleensäkin paska keli. Myöskään ens viikoks ei olla luvattu mitään paratiisikelejä, enimmäkseen puolipilvistä ja siinä +15 asteen tuntumassa. Jaksan toivoa, että helteet iskis viimeistään sillon, kun mennään heinäkuun toisella viikolla mökille.
Krapulasta se kai johtuu, mutta jotenkin tosi epätodellinen olo. En oikeen ymmärrä, kuka oon ja mitä mun kuuluis tehdä. Oon kaikesta ihan pihalla.
- i'm feeling:relaxed
Dress, check. Shoes, check. Still missing the "most important" piece aka my student cap which I'll most likely buy next week. On top of that I still need to upgrade my makeup kit, but other than that things are starting to come together. Feels kind of absurd that my graduation is up literally in a week after four years of waiting.
Writing is still a pain in the ass. Atm there are so many unfinished stories that I've thought out in my head and I know what's gonna happen next - the problem is, I don't feel like writing any of them. I keep opening Word documents, thinking that this time I'm going to fess up and actually get something done, but I always end up staring at the words that were there before and have been for several weeks, even months. Sometimes I may muster up the strength to write a sentence or two, but even that feels like a huge pain in my ass and overall tiring enough for me to not write anything in another few weeks.
The whole thing pisses me off. There are a few stories that I've been working on for a while that are really close to an end. If I could only suck it up long enough to write a couple chapters, no matter how crappy they might be... But I don't feel like it.
Looks like I'll be doing the Camp NaNoWriMo in August. It's a little intimidating because I did very well with my NaNo last November and I completed the 50k word count in, like, ten days? Just the other day I was reading No Place For A Hero and I felt a huge sense of maternal pride. Overall I love the whole story, not to mention that I had a blast writing it! I never had to struggle with a tedious or otherwise hard-to-write scene, I fell in love with the characters and the plot and actually, for once, felt content with my work. Of course I've done a lot of different stuff since NPFAH, but I still think it's the best story I've ever written.
What if it doesn't turn out that way this time around? I might not get another idea that inspires me to write. Or the story may fall flat after a few chapters. The characters may turn out unsympathetic, the storyline may be silly. I may not have the zeal to write. There are a few ideas I've been playing with lately, but every single one of them is a roughdraft. What if I can't make anything out of them that's worth writing about?
Whatever. Can't wait until my graduation party's over and done with and I no longer have to worry about this stuff. And here's a completely unrelated observation - the weather is awesome right now! Not too warm but warm enough, the sun is shining all the time and I can smell bird cherry flowers everywhere I go. Here's hoping it'll last.
- i'm feeling:stressed
- i'm listening to:sunny hill - is the white horse coming?
Lol never have I ever thought I'd post song lyrics on my blog, but atm this hits a little too close to home:
I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
This is one of those days when I feel like a screw-up daughter. I have no idea how I ended up like this despite having such a great mother and a stable environment. I know I'm difficult sometimes and I absolutely fucking hate that, but I don't know how to change that?? I really do want to be more humble and learn how to admit when I'm wrong but it's so insanely hard.
I know I'll probably never say it to your face, Mom, but I'm sorry.
- i'm feeling:distressed
- i'm listening to:beyoncé - flaws and all
Just finished my last assignment of high school.
Still lacking grades from two courses, but it looks like I'm finally out of that shithole. It's kinda surreal that after four years of stress and mindnumbing boredom it's over.
I'm not really upset about taking four years to finish, but I guess I'm a little disappointed I didn't get to graduate with my friends. I don't know any 93ers so I feel like the odd one out. I have one or two -92 acquaintances who will be graduating with me, but we're not that close.
Idk, I kind of refuse to believe this is even happening before I have concrete proof that I've completed all of the 75 courses. (Wow, four years of school and the bare minimum of completed courses? What an achievement.) After that I can start looking for a dress and planning the party and all that stuff.
- i'm feeling:weird
- i'm listening to:EXO K - Angel
FUCK YES I got a job interview! Really wasn't expecting that since I mailed my application two days late and my merits aren't anything to write home about. If I get the job I might be able to quit cleaning altogether, which I'm really looking forward to. At the very least I'm gonna quit before summer - cleaning isn't as bad as a lot of people are making it out to be, but if I can actually get a 'better' job I'll happily accept it.
I shouldn't get ahead of things yet, but fuck it, I'm excited. I'd be selling ice cream at this local tourist attraction site within a five-minute walk from my house. It's not in the center of the city, so I suppose it's going to be a little quieter, but that's fine with me. That just means less people to stress over, after all.
Omfg I really should stop talking like I'm gonna get the job, but I'm so hyped up. The guy literally called me an hour ago and I almost started squealing on the phone. Holy shit, I might actually afford to move out next fall like I planned...
- i'm at:mi casa
- i'm feeling:giddy
- i'm listening to:monica, brandy - it all belongs to me
Yesterday I bumped into an old friend.
It's weird how we used to be so close. Now I feel like I can't even look at you without feeling resentment, and it's so unfair that you can banter away all you want and talk about how we should get together soon while I'm just standing there and silently hating you while still pretending that things are fine between us.
All I can say is that this sucks. It sucks that we've drifted apart like this and it sucks that it's completely your fault, yet you refuse to acknowledge this. It's an outrageous cliché, but I used to think that you were the only person in this world who I could really relate to and who understood me and with whom I could be myself.
Somewhere along the way you changed, and you probably don't even realize that, yourself. For the past two years or so things have been different. Whenever we get together, you make me feel like shit about myself. You, who used to be the nerdy kid everyone ignored, grew up to be a bully. All you do these days is point out my biggest complexes and insecurities and throw them in my face. But always in that oh-so innocent, between-the-lines manner so I can't call you up on your shit without sounding petty.
I miss the times we had, and I miss what you used to be in the past, but I don't miss the person you are in the present.
- Tags:dear a
- i'm feeling:indescribable
- i'm listening to:BRIGHT - Autabi ni Suki ni Natte
I kind of hope that people who insist on being annoying overachievers would kindly shut the fuck up and spare us mere mortals from listening to their bullshit. Or, better yet - brag all you want, but at least be honest about it. "I'm a neurotic perfectionist and I'm damn proud of it and wouldn't trade it for the world. I also receive satisfaction from knowing that I'm more efficient than any of your losers could ever be."
Don't pretend that you're not trying to compete with the rest of us. Don't pretend that you really couldn't care less how other people manage. You think life is a competition and you're in it to win. I may think you're pretty pathetic and need to remove the stick that's wedged up your ass, but just as I can sail through life without making much effort at all, you're free to waste it on schoolwork and hating yourself whenever someone gets better grades or reviews than you do.
That being said, I really fucking hate you. And not just because you're condescending and because you have the nerve to compete with me without saying it to my face. I hate you because you think you're special. You think you're the only person in this world who enjoys reading and spending their Friday nights at home either online or with a good book. You think you're the ultimate outcast, and it's not something you feel self-conscious about. You love every minute of it.
You're not deep, or creative, or particularly intelligent. You're not a super special snowflake. You're just like the rest of us, so get off your goddamn pedestal and join the rest of us mortals.